A Change in Seasons and a Change In Me

October 11, 2017

As another season begins to take form I’m feeling a shift in myself too. Two years into this motherhood gig and the never-ending changes seem to surprise me less and less. It’s a wild ride and I’m beyond grateful to have the opportunity to ebb and flow with it all.

Maybe it’s the lack of a physical home of our own, not being in NYC or just two plus years of work from home life with a baby/toddler that have left me itching for something more. This isn’t a complaint – I am beyond grateful for these last two years and my ability to work from home with Owen, bring him to work with me and to take my business full-time. It has truly been the greatest gift.

I’ve spent a lot of time feeling guilty about this, but it dawned on me recently that ignoring the voice inside telling me that I need some separation, some time for just me and some space to really dedicate myself to work is doing us all a disservice. I’ve been on edge, stressed and not myself. The point is that if I want to be the best mom I know I can be I have to listen to that inner voice and take care of myself.

As a stay at home mom it feels like I carry a lot of the weight of the daily responsibilities with Owen and that it is almost impossible to take the time for my work, myself or my friendships, but I’m learning (slowly) that this doesn’t always have to be the case. I have felt guilty about asking for time for me, for a break when I really need it or help because this is my job, it’s my responsibility to care for Owen.

Finding balance as a work-from-home family has it’s own peaks and pits. Schedules are not set and each day, week and month looks a little different. It requires constant awareness and flexibility on all parts and as rewarding as it is to have that flexibility, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns either.

I’m taking baby steps to make more room for me in my life, for time that I’m not 100% consumed with motherhood, and in all honesty it feels really good. I love being Owen’s mom more than anything else, but in order to be fully present I need a break every now and then. I’ll never be perfect at this job, but I’m doing my best every single day.

Did anyone else experience similar feelings when your little one turned two? Would love to know how you mothers make guilt-free time for you!

Hat & yoga pants gifted from Athleta

Leave a Comment

  • Yes!!! My little girl just turned two in September, and it was about three months ago that I hit this same wall. We live in NYC. I’m a freelance creative director, so I dip in and out of working. Sometimes at an office, sometimes at home. We started doing a nanny share two days a week and it has been life-changing. Now I get two full, reliable days to get work done every week. I thought I would feel guilty about leaving my little one but mostly I don’t. Sometimes it’s hard to drop her off, and sometimes I do miss her, but that’s the beauty of it. That little bit of a break makes me a better mom on the other days. A mom that is patient and fun and rested. Anyway, I feel you girl! I hope you can find a balance that works for you. You deserve it!

    • Jillian! Thank you so much for writing here. I literally just told Zack (my husband) yesterday that if I had two days to work I would feel like a new person – so great to hear it’s been helpful for you! Thank you for being so supportive here. So grateful to hear insight from other moms and that I’m not totally crazy for feeling this way. xx!

  • Yaaas!!! I started to feel the exact same way right around my daughter’s 2nd birthday, and now she’s 2.5yo and I haven’t exactly figured it out yet, but I see part-time preschool in our very near future. I’m a stay at home mom and motherhood happily consumed my life for the first two years of her life (in the best way possible), and I’m grateful I get to stay home with her, but after the first two years it’s like I started feeling some of my old self come back to me, waking up again, and in order to fully embrace that part of me, to take care of it, to reconcile it with my new mommy role, I need separation from my daughter. Thank you for writing about this and making all of us feel less alone in this struggle!

    • Abril! This just warmed my heart. Thank you for writing here and for letting me know I’m not alone in this. There was always part of me that knew I wasn’t, but considering I don’t have too many close friends with kids it’s hard to know for sure. I think it’s important that us moms are open and honest about these feelings because we certainly aren’t alone, but it’s easy to feel that way when NO ONE is talking about it. It’s a tricky thing to navigate, but just the fact that you’ve realized it means you’re on your way. It’s small steps, but I’m on my way!

  • Oh, I feel the same guilt you do! My little guy is just about 7 months, but I already feel the way you do with your two year old. It’s very hard to let go a bit and realize you deserve some ME time. I know I should go to that yoga class…but I won’t because it’s time away from when I should be with him, taking care of him, etc… hoping it gets easier?? ha!

    • You’ve got this! I totally understand that guilt, but what I’ve learned at least is that if I give into my needs I end up being an even better mama. Getting burnt out happens to us all, but if you’re able to take a yoga class here and there I highly recommend it! You come back so refreshed and excited to see your little one!

  • My daughter is almost 21 months and I’ve been home with her full-time until very recently. I went back to work 5 weeks ago part-time. I do 15 hours/week in my field, sometimes I go into the office and sometimes I work from home. My daughter’s with a babysitter for 10 of those hours, so I do some work while she’s sleeping, which eats into the time I used to have for other things. I’m also a single parent most of the time — my husband travels 7 months of the year. It would be MUCH easier to just not work… but I love what I do and it’s so invigorating to be back amongst colleagues. Plus, now that I’m away from her for a little bit, I treasure my afternoons with her instead of counting the hours until bedtime. Being a work-from-home stay-at-home mama has got to be one of the most demanding gigs, but it feels like the best of both worlds, too.

    • How incredible Kendal! And I admire you for holding down the fort for 7 months a year solo, that must be challenging. I couldn’t agree with you more on getting the time to work – it really feeds my soul and helps me stay more present with Owen rather than counting down until bedtime like you said. So grateful I have the chance to work and be home with him!

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